Frankenstein’s Army is a movie.

Richard Raaphorst: Hey you know that Blair Witch movie was pretty fucking awesome. What if there was a movie like that from World War II? Like a found footage documentary from multiple angles with handheld cameras during World War II?

Chris W. Mitchell: I’m pretty sure they could do that back then, cameras were amazingly compact and portable in the 1940s.

RR: Are you positive? Because, like, didn’t they have to have tripods and a lot of lights and the microphones didn’t pickup everything, most documentaries sounded like shitty phone calls, and they had to reload the film every five minutes. Would people really buy a story like that?

I want this poster over my bed.

I want this poster over my bed.

CM: Totes bro! I’m pretty sure they shot footage with digital cameras, just like they do today, with great hi-fidelity microphones built in to every camera. It really wasn’t that long ago if you think about it. You know what would be goddamn amazing? A found-footage movie about some russians, during World War II, who speak English–

RR: Wait what? Why do they speak English?

CM: Hm. AH! Got it! They start out speaking German and then just kind of fall back to English after about ten minutes, because, it’s found footage.

RR: Russians who never speak Russian, who kind of just go from German to English? Go on.

CM: So, they kind of shoot a lot of people and then run into a laboratory, or a prison, or a mental institute. Or maybe it’s all of those things. And there’s some androids. No; Cyborgs! Like Frankenstein.

RR: Wait, he wasn’t a cyborg. That’s part human part robot. Frankenstein was like, a bunch of parts of dead bodies, re-animated.

CM: Well what if it was like Frankenstein, but with motorboat propellors and like giant robot praying mantis hands and shit? And one of them has a head that kind of does an Iron Maiden kind of thing?

Dropping a deuce must be hell.

Dropping a deuce must be hell.

RR: What, like head-banging?

CM: No, I mean, the real Iron Maiden – their head opens up like a waffle iron and there’s spikes on the inside and shit, and it squishes somebody else’s head in there.

RR: So, they’d have to be right up on a person, like they’d have to kiss?

CM: No, dumbass. Like they sneak up behind a dude, their Iron Maiden head opens up and gobbles the other person’s head. And there’s another one that’s completely headless, but has a chest with some propellors and shit.

This is a real thing in a real movie.

This is a real thing in a real movie.

RR: I think you’ve really lost me on this.

CM: Who cares? It’s Nazis, and they’re —

RR: You mean Russians?

CM: Whatever. World War II, so it’s Russian Nazis, it’s Frankensteins, it’s a crazy lab, it’s found footage, and it’s goddamn amazing.

RR: When do we start shooting?

CM: Soon as I repack the fuck out of this bong.

4/5. Two of those stars are for the balls it took to pitch this idea.

I WANT YOU TO WATCH THIS MOVIE.