Nano Compromise.

I really don’t see how I can finish my story by 11/30. It’s not even 11/15, hell, I’m at over 30,000 words in my manuscript, but as I write it, it’s growing. It’s changing. Like, I started out wanting to write a horror/comedy hybrid thing. And that’s in there but…

Today, I spent maybe 6 hours on the story. Going back, reading, updating parts, looking for the truths in the story, what am I saying? What am I wanting to do with this thing? At the end of the day, I looked at the word count and it had gone up by maybe 200 words, TOPS. And those were probably mostly notes scribbled into the story.

I’ll hit 50,000 words. I have no doubt. But the story – this thing – it’s turned into one of those concepts that’s so way up there, and I want to do it justice. To do that, just to capture the core of the story, not even to write complete scenes and chapters, it’s going to take time. It’s crazy.

I didn’t think I’d go so deep into writing. I just wanted to tell a little tale, you know? Like, some kind of a murder-she-wrote mystery mixed with some dark family skeletons and a little comic relief. But it’s turned into this self-awareness and growth and what do you do when you find out everything you thought it wrong kind of a thing? And what happens after that?

And what happens after that?

How the hell do writers ever finish a single story. I’m getting so deep into the three main characters, when I’m sitting in traffic I’m thinking how they reacted in my scene, and then thinking how they really should have reacted.

And really what does it matter? It’s just a dumb story, right? But I keep poking at it, moving tiny parts around where they really belong… so that, what I originally thought would make a good story is getting pushed away while another story is just, it’s just happening. Like it’s out of my control.

So, I’ll push for the 50K of completed story – like – go back and turn my notes into real words of real scenes, but I can’t imagine getting to the end like that. The thing’s just kind of incubating and developing at it’s own pace, and stuff I wrote 13 days ago no longer fairly represents the people in my story.

Like the main character – the killer. He started out as just a dark, evil two faced horror beast. And now he’s a tortured pitiful thing, trying to cover it all up just barely, like an addict who has everybody fooled. And the girl – she started out in charge and smart but just not aware of everything that’s going on – she’s kind of shifted to this naive trusting girl who gets the rug pulled out from under her and builds up a wall to keep it from happening again…

But writing that shit into a story without just flat-out saying shallow shit like, “Scarlett held her fist to the sky and said ‘as god as my witness I will never be hungry again'” – trying to pace these shifts slowly but obviously – I feel like I need to just WRITE the story, and then, in December, dissect the entire thing and push it and pull it into the bigger vision.

When I start thinking of it like that? I come to a crossroad. One road says, “fuck it don’t waste your time” and the other says “You’d better get used to writing all night.”